In 2023, family law attorney Ronald J. Bavero coined a metaphor with the title of his book An Elephant Doesn’t Marry a Giraffe. Drawing on decades of family law litigation, Bavero used the phrase to describe couples who share dysfunctional behaviors or traits that often lead to divorce.
Since then, “elephants don’t marry giraffes” has become shorthand for attorneys—and maybe judges too—who are faced with exceptionally difficult clients and cases. When one attorney finds themselves working for a client who is egregiously stubborn, combative, irrational, offensive, unreasonable, etc., it’s almost a sure bet that the opposing attorney is challenged with an equally ill-natured spouse. Whether or not they realize it, the couple’s unfortunate shared traits or behaviors are likely what attracted them to each other in the first place and landed them where they are today.
Debunking “Opposites Attract”
A landmark study at the University of Colorado Boulder¹ challenged the long-held belief that opposites attract. Instead, they found that similarity plays a central role in partner selection. Researchers analyzed more than 130 traits across millions of couples, using both new data and studies dating back to 1903. The findings revealed that between 82% and 89% of traits were in fact similar among partners, while only 3% consistently showed significant differences. “Our findings demonstrate that birds of a feather are indeed more likely to flock together,” said study author Tanya Horwitz. These patterns of similarity help explain why couples who share positive compatibility traits often have strong bonds that result in healthy marriages.
Dysfunctional Couples
It can be expected that pairings of two fundamentally unsound people with maladaptive tendencies will face a turbulent and destructive marriage. Whether they recognize their shared or individual impairments, such as coping styles, habits or emotional patterns, their partnership rests on an unhealthy foundation. The flawed behaviors and traits that drew them together may not only reinforce their weaknesses but perpetuate serious afflictions.
There are several explanations for why fundamentally unsound people marry each other, including the following:
Cycles of Unresolved Trauma
Children raised by emotionally unavailable or neglectful parents often develop survival behaviors that persist into adulthood. As a result, they often seek out partners who replicate emotional patterns from childhood, because the familiarity feels safe—like home—even when painful.
Others enter relationships hoping to “get it right this time.” They may be drawn to partners who withhold affection, believing that if they can finally earn this person’s love it will repair what was denied in childhood. Instead, they only repeat the painful patterns of their past.
Childhood trauma can also create beliefs of unworthiness. Many grow up thinking they do not deserve happiness or cannot trust others, often because they were blamed for family problems. As adults, they may normalize dysfunction and accept less than they deserve. Stability and harmony can feel foreign, even uncomfortable. Rather than risk something new, the brain gravitates toward the predictable—high-conflict dynamics—even if it brings misery. These patterns often lay the groundwork for “trauma bonds.”
Trauma Bonding
Flawed individuals scarred by childhood or past relationships may latch on to partners with similar struggles. One or both often hopes to rescue or be rescued, seeking healing the relationship cannot provide.
Shared traumatic histories create an intense, damaging bond rooted in pain and codependency rather than trust or intimacy. Over time, dependency deepens, boundaries blur and the cycle of conflict mixed with occasional affection makes the bond feel unbreakable—yet ruinous.
The Wounded Self
Some people operate from a wounded self—a sense of incompleteness or unworthiness that drives them to seek a partner to fill the void. Individuals with low self-worth may align with equally insecure partners, finding comfort in mutual neediness or a fleeting sense of superiority. Over time, these pairings often reinforce each person’s insecurities rather than providing stability or genuine support.
Attachment styles also play a role. For example, an anxiously attached person may be drawn to an avoidant partner, creating a push-and-pull dynamic of emotional need and distance. This maladjusted pattern of craving closeness and experiencing withdrawal is both comforting and addictive. These relationships often feel intense and meaningful yet they rarely offer healing or fulfillment. Over time, the bond reinforces the perception that love must come with struggle, keeping both partners stuck in patterns that mirror unresolved wounds.
Mismatched Relational Styles
One particularly complex scenario occurs when a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) partners with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The attraction arises because at first, each fulfills the other’s atypical needs.² People with BPD often struggle with an intense fear of abandonment and may misinterpret the charm and assertiveness of a person with NPD as stability. In reality, those traits often mask manipulation and control.
As the BPD partner becomes increasingly dependent on reassurance, the NPD partner gains the ego boost they crave. The cycle heightens the BPD partner’s vulnerability while reinforcing the NPD’s destructive behavior. The strong pull of attraction this couple initially felt soon turns into a destructive pattern of pursuit and withdrawal, idealization and devaluation.
When Dysfunctional Couples Divorce
Unlike a one-sided toxic marriage, couples exhibiting “mutually assured dysfunction” present an extraordinary challenge to their attorneys. This is especially true when both parties demonstrate faulty reasoning and impaired judgment, even when they are “two elephants” or “two giraffes.” Further, their emotional addiction, unhealthy coping mechanisms and overall instability often intensify during divorce making productive communication exceedingly difficult. Other factors that slow progress may include attempts to control decisions, an unwavering need to win, habitual blame, codependent tendencies that make letting go nearly impossible and irrational guilt over being disloyal.
Mediating Dysfunctional Divorces
When dysfunctional couples divorce, there is an acute need for safety and firm boundaries to contain potential chaos and manipulation. Structure is essential to prevent the mediation from spiraling out of control. The ultimate goal is to help parties disengage from a toxic past and focus on the needs and goals that will shape their futures apart.
With twelve years in family mediation and eighteen years in litigation, I bring the experience needed to guide highly dysfunctional couples through divorce. I excel at keeping parties on task and centered on resolution rather than conflict.
Online mediation scheduling is now available. Click to schedule.
Sources