This past week one of my closest friend’s mother passed away. Her parents had been married for 46 years. While I’m sure they had their share of ups-and-downs, they were the sweetest and cutest couple I had ever met. My last memory of seeing them together was a few months ago when we all went out to dinner. As we said our goodbyes they walked away hand-in-hand, sharing a chuckle. These past few days I have spent time thinking about what makes some lifelong marriages incredibly successful – full of joy, love and respect.
Finding the Right Partner
As my friend’s parents proved, it’s not a myth that couples who are “the right match” from the get-go and stick it out through better and worse, have great potential to experience a loving and happy marriage for decades.
Karl Pillemer, a gerontologist and professor of human development at Cornell University, and his team interviewed over 700 first marriage couples ages 63 to 108.1
In an interview with TODAY, Pillemer said, “It’s hard to put into words the kind of transcendental or sublime feel of people who have been together 50, 60 or 70 years and really made it work. Almost all of the people I interviewed were still very deeply in love, felt that (their) love had grown and changed over the time they’ve been together and, surprisingly, felt that intimacy often was as good or even better.”
Top takeaways on how to pick the right lifetime partner from Pillemer’s extensive interviews include:
- Despite rom-com storylines, opposites who attract often don’t make great marriage partners. The interviewees suggested that choosing a mate with a similar personality and background, and one who shares the same core and family values, interests and outlook on life, improves the longevity of a happy marriage.
- The interviewees said that if friends and family don’t care for a new partner, ask them why. They may be tuned into something rose-colored glasses are masking.
- The strong, silent type may be exciting at first, but the interviewees pointed out that a lifetime with someone who does not communicate easily is simply not appealing. Their advice for a lasting marriage is, talk, talk and talk some more.
- The interviewees suggested that in the early stages of a courtship, the couple should step out of their comfort zone. Instead of going to the movies or watching TV, taking a long car trip, camping out or doing a house project together can reveal how compatible they really are.
- Similarly, the interviewees said watching a potential spouse play a game, i.e. tennis or cards, is “extremely diagnostic,” meaning, observing traits such as behavior under stress, fair play vs cheating and handling defeat gracefully or not are telltale signs of compatibility.
- Physical attraction may be what brings a couple together. The interviewees said in order to keep their intimacy alive and well, physical attraction needs to continue as the years go by.
- Sharing a sense of humor can’t be underestimated. The interviewees suggested that if both partners don’t find the same things to be funny, they certainly won’t find them funny 30 years into marriage.
- An overpowering, gut-level sense that a partner is “the one” is key to making a happy marriage last. The interviewees suggested that if the deep and true “in-love feelings” were absent, the marriage has a strong likelihood of failing.
In the case of my friend’s parents, the “this is the one” feeling was immediately known to both. As a young man, my friend’s father was living in New York and had reached a point where he wanted to be married. He purchased a one-way ticket to Israel, determined to find a wife. Very soon after his arrival he was introduced to my friend’s mother. The sparks flew and three months later they were married. Shortly thereafter, as husband and wife, they returned to the U.S. where they lived “happily ever after.”
Keeping the Spark Alive
While movies, TV series and books often depict couples who have been married a long time as miserable, angry, bored or unfulfilled, that’s not necessarily the case.
In fact, a recent study concludes that over time, couples in stable marriages (those who didn’t end up divorcing) showed a very modest decline in happiness after about five to 10 years together, then their contentment rose again around their 20th anniversary.2
In other words, well-matched spouses who were willing to put the work into their marriage went from being very happy to pretty happy and then back to very happy. One reason stated is that after decades of marriage, the couples spent more quality time together and fought much less than years past.
Some notable couples who have maintained happiness in their decades-long marriages shared their thoughts in interviews on how they’ve made it work:
John Travolta and Kelly Preston – The couple was married for 33 years before Preston’s untimely passing from breast cancer in 2020. In a 2018 interview, Travolta described one of the ways they kept their love alive, “We’re so busy with the kids and our careers and being proactive in our church that, you know, every day is date night.” The same year, Preston shared, “I think that we were just right together, that we picked the right people. (We are always) keeping it honest and communicating and checking in with each other. A relationship doesn’t just happen. You have to work at it. You’ve got to keep it fun and that’s what we do.”3
Tim McGraw and Faith Hill – Wed at the ages of 29 and 28 respectively, the couple has been married for 28 years. In an interview on Entertainment Tonight Canada, McGraw shared relationship advice the couple swears by, “We just made a commitment early on… that we wouldn’t just walk out the door when problems arose.” McGraw and Hill have also said that they put family first and prioritize family time, and, that they are “brutally honest” with each other.4
Denzel Washington and Pauletta Pearson – Forty-one years later, the Hollywood stars remain prime examples of happiness in a long-term marriage. Throughout the years, both Washington and Pearson stressed that there is no one secret to a successful marriage, but being committed to each other, working on issues that might arise and being able to tease each other without hurting anyone’s feelings is key. “It’s not all the honeymoon, it doesn’t last forever, so you work at it,” said Washington.5
Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick – The happy couple has been married for 36 years. Notably, their marriage has survived and even thrived after losing all of their savings in a Ponzi scheme. Said Bacon, “When something like that happens, you look at each other and you go, ‘Well, that sucks, and let’s roll up our sleeves and get to work.’ We’ve made it this far, our kids are healthy, we’re healthy, you know? Let’s look at what we have that’s good.”6
Marriages that Do Not Withstand the Passage of Time
Considering the high divorce rate, there are many couples who did not find their true love and now find themselves headed for divorce. When those breakups happen mediation is often the best option for concluding a marriage. Having exclusively practiced family mediations over the past eleven years, I help attorneys and their clients resolve their disputes by bringing creative solutions to the table and achieving amicable outcomes. Between my career in family mediations and 18 years of litigation, your clients can count on my expertise to manage the mediation process in an effective and successful manner.
Sources:
1TODAY – Secrets to Finding a Lifetime of Love
2TODAY – How to Stay Happily Married
3US Magazine – Travolta & Preston