Recently, I mediated a divorce case on Zoom and I didn’t recognize the name of the first person to enter the waiting room. After the parties and attorneys logged in, I brought everyone into the mediation. I quick ly learned that the name I did not recognize was the husband’s mother—the wife’s mother-in-law.
I immediately explained that the mediation is limited to the parties and their attorneys and that the mother-in-law would need to leave. Thankfully, the husband’s attorney supported my position. The quick change in her tone clearly indicated she was very displeased. She stated that her son had given her permission to attend and that he needed her emotional support. After several failed attempts to persuade everyone that she should stay, she finally left the mediation. Admittedly, the son looked mildly upset, while the wife gave an audible sigh of relief. That brief exchange gave me some insight into why their marriage may have failed.
In-Laws’ Behaviors that Undermine a Marriage
Over the years, couples have often shared during mediation the negative influence their in-laws had on their marriage. Many believed these relationships played a role in their decision to divorce. For most, the challenge wasn’t a single “in-law” incident but a pattern of behaviors that overlapped and gradually chipped away at the couple’s relationship and autonomy. Common issues—often familiar to those raised in the offending parent’s household—include:
Control and Overreach: When in-laws are overbearing, they may insert themselves into everyday decisions, expecting to be consulted or followed even in matters that should stay between partners. This kind of interference can erode a couple’s independence and build resentment—especially when one spouse feels caught in the middle. Manipulation often follows—through guilt, favoritism or subtle pressure to stay in control—further straining the relationship.
Financial Interference: Money can be a sensitive topic in any marriage, and when in-laws get involved—offering help with strings attached, criticizing spending or trying to control big purchases—it can quickly turn into a source of conflict. These situations often trigger disagreements about boundaries, loyalty and financial independence, particularly when one partner feels obligated to keep the peace.
Undermining Parental Authority: When in-laws disapprove of how a couple chooses to parent—whether it’s discipline, diet, routines or education—it can create a serious divide. Ignoring or criticizing those choices doesn’t just feel disrespectful, it confuses the kids and undercuts the couple’s confidence and consistency as parents.
Criticism and Disrespect: Ongoing criticism—from passive-aggressive remarks to open put-downs—can take a toll on the emotional well-being of the person targeted. It’s even harder when the other spouse stays silent. A lack of respect for boundaries, personal values or lifestyle choices can leave one or both partners feeling unsupported and unwelcome.
These behaviors can undermine a couple’s trust, emotional safety and sense of alignment. This is especially true when there are unclear or poorly defined boundaries which the in-laws routinely cross. These dynamics often drive couples into ongoing conflict and emotional withdrawal. Left unaddressed, the communication and closeness essential to a strong marriage can begin to deteriorate and may ultimately lead to separation and divorce.
Mothers-in-Law Across Cultures
Tension between spouses and in-laws is nothing new. Across cultures and generations, the challenges these relationships pose have long been recognized, with some traditions specifically designed to protect the marriage bond by limiting the influence of mothers-in-law.
The Aboriginal Mother-in-Law Rule
From the beginnings of Aboriginal cultures across Australia, men and women alike have followed a strict tradition known as the Mother-in-Law Rule. This canon mandates that husbands and wives avoid direct interaction with their mothers-in-law, including not looking directly at them or addressing them in any way. Because of this, adult children take on the role of go-betweens, facilitating communication between their spouses and their own parents.
While the specific tenets and their strictness vary between Aboriginal groups, the common theory is that this arrangement came to ease familial rifts by minimizing conflict within families. Others suggest this practice was a means to (a) show respect for elders and social hierarchy and (b) prevent illicit relations between mothers-in-law and their sons-in-law, who were typically much older than their young brides.¹ ²
The Native American Mother-in-Law Taboo
Limited in practice today, several Native American tribes historically followed what has become known as the Mother-in-Law Taboo. As with the Aboriginals, old-culture Native American tribes—particularly Navajos—forbade husbands and their mothers-in-law from coming into contact. They were never to make eye contact and were not allowed to be in the same home or building together. The tradition went as far as to prohibit mothers-in-law from attending their daughters’ weddings. In times when the taboo was strictly followed, families were required to hire a medicine man to perform chants to undo any damage caused by an accidental encounter.
Further, newlywed couples often lived with the bride’s family for the first year or two of their marriage. Because of the taboo, they had to live in separate dwellings. Even if the marriage ended in divorce, the taboo remained in effect for the rest of the husband’s and former mother-in-law’s lives.
Other Cultural Influences and Expectations
In cultures with dominant patriarchal traditions, sons are seen as the successors of their family’s honor, wealth and status and as the protectors of aging parents. This can lead to mothers feeling possessive of their sons and potentially viewing their daughters-in-law as threats to the established mother–son bond.
In many South Asian families, a daughter-in-law does not just marry her spouse—she marries into a hierarchy, a power structure where she is subordinate to her husband’s family. Her entry into the household often triggers a shift in family dynamics, especially when a deep mother–son bond is already in place. Often what may appear as tension between the wife and her mother-in-law is actually a legacy shaped by unspoken expectations, control and cultural beliefs that elevate the status of the son while diminishing the autonomy of the woman he marries.⁴
In some East Asian and Indonesian families, mothers-in-law are expected to act as cultural gatekeepers, ensuring that their daughters-in-law adhere to traditional norms. Naturally, conflict often arises when daughters-in-law resist conforming.⁵
It is important to note that in more recent generations, as cultural norms evolve due to factors such as globalization, education and changing social structures, many modern families are reinterpreting or letting go of the practices of their traditional ancestors.
Regardless of cultural tradition, many mothers-in-law across the globe struggle to accept changes in family dynamics once their sons or daughters marry. They frequently feel a desire or even a compulsion to maintain the control and influence they have always held over their sons or to keep alive the fiercely independent nature they have instilled in their daughters. Be it a son or a daughter, these mothers-in-law often share a common belief that their sons- or daughters-in-law are simply not worthy of their precious offspring.
In-Laws and Divorce
A study published by the National Library of Medicine, titled You Aren’t as Close to My Family as You Think: Discordant Perceptions about In-laws and Risk of Divorce,⁶ explored whether couples’ relationships with in-laws could predict divorce. It’s a theme researchers have explored in the context of long-term marital outcomes for many years. For the project, researchers used data from a long-term study launched in 1986, which followed 373 couples over 16 years of marriage and supplemented it with their own results.
They found that the quality of in-law relationships alone was not a reliable predictor of marital success. What mattered more was how aligned spouses were in their perceptions of those relationships. When couples shared similar views—especially regarding the wife’s family—marital stability was more likely. However, the researchers questioned whether couples truly recognize how much their perceptions may differ. They suggest that with a therapist’s support, even small shifts in shared perspective and improved communication about in-laws can strengthen the relationship, reduce conflict and help couples approach extended family as a more unified team.
Divorce Mediation: Free from In-Law Meddling
Whether or not in-laws play a role in a couple’s decision to separate, mediation offers a safe space—free from outside noise, pressure and influence—where couples can focus on resolving marital discord.
With over twelve years in family mediation and 18 years in litigation, I bring seasoned experience to helping couples make informed, empowered decisions—on their own terms. My approach is solution-oriented and personalized, designed to support favorable outcomes for both parties. You can rely on my guidance to move through the process with clarity, professionalism and efficiency.
Just for Fun: Our Favorite Witchy Mother-in-Law
On a lighter note, few TV mothers-in-law are as unforgettable as Endora from the classic sitcom Bewitched, which aired from 1964 to 1972. Endora was a fabulously dramatic immortal witch with a flair for chaos and a wardrobe to match. She was mother to Samantha, also a witch, though much more warmhearted and modern in her ways. From the moment she laid eyes on Samantha’s mortal husband, Darrin, Endora made it her mission to sabotage the marriage. She couldn’t believe her powerful daughter had traded magic for suburbia with, as Endora called him, Durwood, What’s-his-name, Dum-Dum and Dagwood. Samantha was constantly caught in the crossfire, trying to keep the peace while Endora delighted in making Darrin’s life a magical mess.
Over the years, Endora turned Darrin into a monkey, a werewolf, a child, a pony—even a newspaper. She often sabotaged Darrin’s advertising career—making his ideas disappear, clients act bizarre or causing embarrassing mishaps at meetings. She also liked to erase his memory, swap his body out with someone else’s and put curses and hexes on Darrin. Endora was the ultimate meddling mother-in-law, armed with far more tricks and spells than mere mortals—thankfully—have access to.
In this YouTube Short, watch Endora stir up trouble once again as she works her magic to meddle in Samantha and Darrin’s marriage.⁷
Sources
¹Aboriginal Mother-in-Law Rule
²Theories of the original intent of the Aboriginal Mother-in-Law Rule
³Native American Mother-in-Law Taboo
⁴The role of South Asian Daughters-In-Law
⁵The role of mothers-in-law in East Asian and Indonesian cultures