Wedding planners and photographers have a special talent not everyone knows about: they are often great predictors of which marriages are likely to end in divorce. After years of working with couples, they develop a keen eye for spotting red flags in the mannerisms or actions of the bride, groom or both. These professionals are frequently more aware than the couples themselves that their walk down the aisle may lead straight to a divorce.
Wedding planners are often exposed to a set of warning signs originating from the bride, including:
Disregard for finances. When a bride is unrealistic about the wedding budget and insists on getting what she wants regardless of cost, she may be ignoring or minimizing financial reality. This can be a warning sign for the groom that the bride will continue spending beyond their means or be dismissive of shared monetary responsibility.
Overly controlling planning behavior. When the bride forbids the groom to take part in the wedding planning, this may indicate a deeper dynamic of control that could extend to future finances, child-rearing and daily decision-making. The core issue is whether each partner will have a voice, autonomy and respect once married.
Unreasonable expectations. Examples of this are when the bride assumes the planner will provide emotional support as a therapist would or expects the planner to lie or conceal information from the groom so the bride gets her way.
Wedding photographers, by contrast, often notice red flags more common to the groom, including:²
Lack of excitement during the first look. While photographers hope to capture the genuine love and chemistry between a couple, sometimes what they see through the lens reveals anything but. Instead of the groom’s face lighting up when he first sees his bride, the image captures doubt, indifference or the realization that he is having second thoughts.
Excessive drinking. This red flag appears when the groom seems dependent on alcohol to get through the day. Beyond raising a celebratory glass, he drinks to the point that he cannot stand for photos, forgets where he is or ends up sick outside the venue. This behavior may foreshadow how he copes with life’s stressors by escaping rather than engaging.
Seeing the Red Flags Before the Divorce
When meeting a new client, many cannot wait to share the story of how their persistent red flags led to their divorce. Some say they missed the signs; others saw them but hoped love and time would improve things. For many, the realization of the damage done by ignoring the red flags arrives too late to overcome.
Most red flags fall into the following categories:
Unhealthy Dynamics
- Love bombing—lavishing affection or gifts early in the relationship—to mask control or rush commitment before other red flags are noticed
- Fast-moving relationships or recurring unresolved conflicts that suggest hidden motives or lack of accountability
Jealousy and Possessiveness
- Monitoring, questioning or restricting the other’s independence or isolating them from family and support systems
Disrespect and Neglect
- Criticism, rudeness or public humiliation that erodes confidence and safety
- Emotional unavailability that prevents meaningful connection
- Treatment of others, such as waiters and sales associates, in a condescending manner
Control and Manipulation
- One partner steering finances, social or personal decisions and routines
- Gaslighting that causes the other to doubt themselves and distorts memory or sense of reality
- Withdrawal, manipulation or guilt used to maintain control
Substance Abuse and Workaholism
- Using work or substances to avoid intimacy, vulnerability and unresolved issues
Mismatched Goals and Disregard
- Conflicting views on children, lifestyle or partnership roles
- Indifference to the other person’s needs or relationships
Understanding the Signs
Red flags are not always obvious, especially in new relationships. Traits that first seem romantic, intense, protective or passionate may later reveal power-seeking, instability or insecurity.
Examples of early indicators are: A person says, “My partner wants to manage our money so I don’t have to worry about it.” This may sound thoughtful, but it can also signal control issues. Someone says, “My partner is very passionate and animated.” Appealing at first, this may later be understood as volatility or unpredictability.
Trusting one’s instincts matters. When something feels off, confusing or inconsistent, the body often registers it before the mind names it. When uncertainty builds, seeking help from a therapist or a counselor can provide clarity and grounding.
Identifying these signs can bring relief, particularly early in a relationship when it’s easier to walk away. For those already committed, however, realization can bring disappointment or fear, especially when children are involved.
Not all red flags are immediate deal-breakers. Some are warnings that can be addressed through communication and therapy if there is a willingness to change. The response to feedback—whether respectful engagement or defensiveness—is often a true indicator of the relationship’s direction.
Learning from Past Experiences
People who have been in difficult relationships often look back and realize the early warning signs were present but not fully recognized for what they truly were. The following examples illustrate how red flags may be mistaken for positive or endearing traits:
- Exciting, exhilarating spontaneity may later reveal itself as manic behavior
- A carefree, impulsive partner may turn out to be someone who avoids planning, accountability and responsibility
- Self-deprecating humor that once seemed harmless can actually be a sign of underlying depression and self-loathing
- A partner who never disagrees may not be easygoing, but instead suppressing their true feelings to avoid conflict
- Saying “I love you” too soon can indicate an intensity that lacks emotional depth or stability
- Being with someone who remains deeply tied to a parent or former partner may mean always being compared and never fully becoming the first priority
Red Flag Couples and Divorce
Attorneys and mediators alike often see the same behavioral patterns that wedding professionals noticed, likely more amplified and the catalyst of the divorce. An example of an attorney’s takeaway may be: “If choosing a wedding venue was so combative, imagine how antagonistic they were about making life’s important decisions as a couple.”
- Facilitating red flag divorces is often challenged by:
- Power imbalances that hinder fair negotiation
- Hidden assets or financial secrecy
- Unresolved parenting conflicts that complicate co-parenting agreements which may turn into custody battles
- Attempts to use guilt, fear or loyalty to influence the outcome
The emotional cost of these high-conflict, prolonged cases can be significant to both parties, not only financially but physically and psychologically.
Mediation as a Path to Resolution
Mediation is often the ideal path for clients ready to burn the flags down. It allows injured parties to speak openly while manipulative or aggressive behaviors are contained. Instead of escalating hostility, mediation helps define needs in a safe and structured environment while working toward a resolution that satisfies both parties.
With more than twelve years of exclusive experience in family mediation following an 18-year career in litigation, I have helped thousands of couples navigate their complex divorces in partnership with their attorneys. My role is to provide an efficient and effective process so that both parties can move forward amicably and independently.
Just for Fun: Celebs Red Flags Revealed
There is no shortage of obvious or subtle red flags seen in celebrity marriages. All one has to do is glance at TMZ, E! Online, Page Six or People.com to read about the latest couples in Splitsville due to the warning signs they ignored.
Red Flags: Nicole Kidman & Keith Urban
Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban jumped into marriage after knowing each other for a very short time. Kidman later admitted that she didn’t really know Urban when they wed, saying, “There was an enormous attraction initially and we got engaged after three months and then we got married really quickly, but we didn’t really know each other. We really only got to know each other after we were married.”³
Their obvious red flag was that they hadn’t spent enough time together to experience a range of life and professional situations to learn how each responded. A hidden red flag was revealed five years after their divorce when Kidman admitted in an interview that she still loved Tom Cruise. Granted, she did not say she was still “in love” with him, but her admission likely suggested unresolved feelings for Cruise. This may have meant Urban never stood a chance of measuring up to Cruise in Kidman’s eyes.
Red Flags: Christina Haack & Josh Hall
You may not know her by name but you’d likely recognize Christina Haack, one of HGTV’s most successful interior designer hosts. In a recent interview⁴ Haack revealed that she overlooked a first red flag when her third and now ex-husband Josh Hall proposed to her for the first time. When she declined his proposal, Hall threw the ring in the pool. Says Haack, “I should have noted the incident more intently.”
She explained that their relationship was experiencing highs and lows, which is why she rejected his first proposal. Haack shared, “We weren’t getting along super great… When things were good, they were good, but it just felt like I wasn’t quite ready… I should have listened to my intuition about our struggling bond before accepting his second proposal.”
Similar to Keith Urban, a second red flag was that Haack felt Hall was “insecure” about her close relationship with her first husband, Tarek El Moussa.⁵
Sources:
¹Red Flags Wedding Planners Pick Up On
²Red Flags Wedding Photographers See That Can Predict A Divorce
³Red Flags in Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban’s Marriage