Few people look forward to coming home from work—or giving up precious weekend time—to tackle chores, even though most of us enjoy the feeling of a clean and organized home. In fact, a recent survey found that 9 in 10 Americans feel their best, both mentally and physically, when they live in a tidy home.¹
The Gender Divide in Housework
A second recent survey revealed that women were twice as likely as men to report doing all or most of the household chores, while only 3% of men admitted the same.² A third survey³ confirmed the disparity, finding that in 2024 women performed roughly 40% more housework than men. The good news, however, is that this percentage has steadily declined since the annual survey’s first results in 2004. Researchers often attribute the shift to gradual progress toward gender parity.
The pandemic also accelerated some of this change. Studies show that men began taking on more household responsibilities—particularly cooking—during the Covid years. Many households have maintained these habits, reflecting a more balanced division of responsibilities.
The Countercurrent: Weaponized Incompetence
Even with these advances, not all household dynamics are positive. A persistent tactic known as “weaponized incompetence” continues to disrupt fairness in household responsibilities.
Weaponized incompetence involves deliberately excusing oneself from household responsibilities by feigning helplessness, ignorance or inefficiency. The goal is to shift responsibility onto others, often by eliciting empathy, irritation or resignation until the partner gives up and assumes the task. Over time, this behavior permanently relieves the manipulator of work they are perfectly capable of doing.
Origins and Recognition
The term weaponized incompetence first gained recognition in the mid-2000s when women took to social media to vent about spouses who seemed unwilling to contribute meaningfully to household responsibilities. The multitude of stories revealed a recurring scenario of partners pretending they lacked the knowledge or skill to perform chores—or never showing improvement despite repeated opportunities.
Many of these accounts highlighted the inconsistency of their spouses’ attitudes. Wives often wondered how their highly competent professional husbands, who excelled at work and other pursuits, could claim they were unable to manage a load of laundry or operate a vacuum cleaner.
The topic went viral during the pandemic, as online discussions and counseling sessions brought weaponized incompetence into the mainstream.
The Language of Weaponized Incompetence
Practiced manipulators often rely on recurring language patterns to shirk responsibility while maintaining control. Their goal is to elicit resignation from their partner, expressed in statements like: “Fine, I’ll just do it myself,” or “Never mind, forget I even asked.”
The types of expressions used by the self-serving partner typically fall into three broad categories, each designed to reinforce their manipulator’s dominance and shift the burden of household tasks onto others.
Claims of helplessness: “I’ll probably mess it up, so you should just do it.” / “Remember how bad it was last time I tried?”
False praise: “You do this so much better than I ever will.” / “This is your area of expertise—I could never match your skills.”
Excuses: “I don’t have time. Can’t you just do it this once?” / “I’ll try, but don’t be upset if it’s not how you’d do it.”
A more subtle, but highly effective, form of control comes through the word help. By framing chores or parenting as the other spouse’s responsibility, the manipulator positions their own participation as optional and even benevolent. For example: “I’ll help you tuck in the kids tonight,” or “I’ll help bring in the groceries when you get back.” The message is clear, these are your responsibilities and whether or not I contribute is up to me.
An Example that Provides Context
Consider this scenario: a wife says to her husband, “I’m going to feed the baby. Will you make dinner? I left an easy recipe on the counter.” He responds, “I’m such a bad cook. I always mess up recipes and burn the food. You have the magic touch for cooking—everything you make tastes amazing.” Faced with repeated excuses and exaggerated praise, the wife may stop asking him to cook. While her choice may bring temporary relief from conflict, the stress she hoped to avoid is likely to return once she realizes she has again given in to his tactics. Ultimately, her husband ‘wins,’ reinforcing the unequal dynamic.
How the Pattern Persists
Research suggests that many people who engage in weaponized incompetence learned these behaviors during childhood. Growing up with a parent who avoided responsibilities through manipulation often led children to adopt similar strategies in adulthood.
This behavior can emerge at any stage of a committed relationship. A newly married spouse may discover—by chance or design—that pretending to be inadequate at certain tasks results in their partner taking over. In long-term marriages, these tactics may continue for years, becoming normalized. If the ploy succeeds—meaning the other partner or their children repeatedly step in—the manipulator’s behavior is reinforced and implicitly tolerated.
Breaking the Cycle of Manipulation
When both spouses recognize the damage weaponized incompetence causes, they may try to break the cycle. With the help of a marriage counselor or a general mental health professional, committed couples can work to establish boundaries, set mutual expectations and distribute responsibilities more equitably.
The process is rarely easy. Even when the overburdened partner is eager to equalize responsibilities, perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies can make delegating or relinquishing control difficult. Meanwhile, the manipulative partner may resist accountability, preferring to maintain the status quo.
How Weaponized Incompetence Can Destroy a Marriage
For some, deliberate avoidance of responsibilities becomes more than a frustrating habit—it builds resentment, deepens inequality and erodes trust. While one partner carries the physical and emotional burden, the other benefits from doing less. Ultimately, these patterns negatively affect the family’s daily life and sense of balance and can contribute to the decision to divorce.
These dynamics often resurface during divorce mediation, revealing the ways weaponized incompetence caused lasting harm to the marriage. I have repeatedly heard quips during mediations that reflect the deep-rooted frustrations of the parties. Examples include: A mother saying, “He wouldn’t know how to change a diaper if his life depended on it,” another parent commenting, “She has no idea who our child’s pediatrician is or the name of their school,” and a third parent complaining that their partner’s failings in the kitchen mean they will end up feeding their child nothing but fast food.
Being able to identify and understand the specific nature of manipulative patterns in a marriage can help guide couples toward resolutions, especially regarding co-parenting arrangements. Establishing clearer boundaries can help both parties move forward more effectively post-divorce.
A Professional Approach to Conflict Resolution
With over twelve years dedicated solely to family mediation and 18 years in litigation, I provide clients with a solution-focused approach that emphasizes each spouse’s wants and needs for their future. My background allows me to anticipate challenges and ease the process, helping couples reach fair, practical resolutions with professionalism and thoughtfulness.
Just for Fun… No Way Am I Doing That
When it comes to household chores, Americans have clear preferences—and aversions—to the necessities.
According to a YouGov survey,⁴ the three most disliked chores—each cited by 14% of respondents—are accompanied by 53% admitting to procrastinating on chores they dislike, particularly cleaning the bathroom. Topping the list of chores people are most eager to avoid are:
- Doing the dishes
- Sanitizing or wiping the bathroom
- Doing laundry
On the flip side, certain chores are more palatable. The most favored chores, with 24% of respondents expressing a preference, are:
- Doing laundry
- Organizing or picking up clutter
- Doing the dishes
- Vacuuming
Interestingly, doing the dishes appears in both the most and least favorite categories, reflecting strong preferences for and against certain chores.
These insights into Americans’ chore preferences underscore the complexities of household responsibilities and the challenges in achieving equitable distribution of tasks.
Sources
¹The benefits of a tidy home
²Division of chores
³Confirmation of disparity
⁴Americas favorite and least favorite chores