Recently, I had the opportunity to present a webinar titled “How to Handle Difficult Clients in Mediation” to the South Palm Beach County Bar Association. As anyone in family law can attest, divorce often brings out the worst in people. Some clients not only make the process challenging for their soon-to-be ex-spouse but also for their legal team. It’s unfortunate when parties involved in mediation – especially those who are seeking to resolve their issues amicably – turn out to be difficult clients.
It can be tempting to label parties who are in an extreme emotional state, acting volatile or irrational, as “difficult clients”– and, in some cases, they may indeed be. However, if we are to build rapport and trust with our clients, and ultimately reach an expeditious agreement, we must first understand the perspective from which they are coming. Doing so often helps transform difficult clients into ones who are more engaged and accepting of the process.
Understanding Client Behavior
For many clients, divorce is one of the most stressful and life-altering events they will ever face. While some parties are able to maintain decorum throughout the proceedings, others may exhibit behaviors that reflect the emotional toll the divorce is taking on their mental health, their typical demeanor or their usual tolerance for stress.
During my webinar, I explored several reasons behind the actions and intentions of difficult clients going through divorce, including:
Guilt or Shame – Divorce, whether initiated by one or both parties, often triggers feelings of guilt and shame, common and natural reactions to major life transitions. The guilt may arise from self-blame, with thoughts like, “I didn’t try hard enough,” “I gave up too soon,” or “I couldn’t live up to my partner’s expectations.” Shame, on the other hand, often comes from the belief that they have let down children, family or friends. Some individuals even experience guilt and shame because they feel relieved that the marriage is coming to an end.
Grief and Emotional Pain – Divorce, much like any significant loss, can trigger a grieving process. Unlike grief associated with death, divorce involves two living individuals who must transition from being a couple to being single, or, as some may feel, completely alone. The grief they experience often stems from the realization that a shared future is no longer possible. This acceptance of loss frequently manifests as emotional pain, which can include profound feelings of sadness, rejection, failure, anxiety, worry and fear.
Low Self-Esteem – Divorce can have a profound impact on self-esteem, often leading to feelings of failure, rejection and insecurity. These emotions can cause individuals to question their own worth and abilities. Many clients with low self-esteem may feel incapable of making decisions or agreeing to terms that will significantly affect their post-divorce life.
Feeling Overwhelmed – Feeling overwhelmed is a common experience, often intensified by the stresses of divorce, when someone feels overloaded or unable to cope with the demands placed on them. These feelings can manifest physically, emotionally and cognitively. Prolonged or complex proceedings can leave one or both parties feeling completely overwhelmed and ineffective.
Ego and Pride – Ego and pride can be significant obstacles in the divorce process. An inflated ego often leads to defensiveness, making it difficult for a person to admit wrongdoing or take responsibility for actions that contributed to the divorce. Additionally, someone with excessive pride may shift all the blame onto their soon-to-be ex, causing the other party to question their own judgment and decision-making. Both of these traits frequently hinder compromise, as the ego-driven, prideful individual seeks to control the narrative.
Fear of Change and the Unknown – Fear of change can be a debilitating emotion, particularly when faced with the many uncertainties of life after divorce. Parties may have intense fears about their financial stability, the well-being of their children and how much they can trust their former partner to honor the terms of their agreement. To make matters worse, many individuals experience “cognitive biases,” which cause them to focus more on potential losses than on possible gains.
Hope of Reconciliation – Finalizing an agreement can be especially challenging when one party is still holding on to hope for reconciliation. Whether consciously or unconsciously, they may slow the process by expressing a willingness to change to appeal to their spouse, suggesting they stay together for the sake of the children, repeatedly apologizing for past wrongdoings, or frequently reminiscing about “the good times.” While it’s natural to have second thoughts about divorce, at some point in the process, the “hold-out” party must come to terms with the fact that there is no turning back, especially when the other party is eager to finalize the divorce.
Influence of Family and Friends – Even the most independent and strong-willed individuals can be swayed by the opinions of those around them during a divorce. While family and friends often mean well, their sentiments can inadvertently hinder the process, introducing contention that didn’t exist before. Comments like, “I never liked him/her” or “He/she married up and doesn’t deserve you” are unhelpful. This is especially true when the sentiment includes the word “FIGHT,” such as: “You supported him/her all these years, now it’s your turn to fight for what you deserve,” “He/she’s a bad parent (or bad influence); you should fight for full custody,” or “You need to fight tooth and nail. Bleed him/her dry.” Even if these sentiments seem justified, it’s crucial to remember that someone going through a divorce benefits far more from positive support and encouragement than from toxic negativity.
Narcissism – Many individuals going through divorce often label their spouse as a narcissist. Narcissism is a personality disorder marked by a lack of empathy, an inflated sense of self-importance and a constant need for admiration. Individuals with narcissistic traits can make the divorce process particularly challenging, as they may manipulate or dismiss the feelings of others in order to maintain control.
Mental Health Struggles – Feelings of depression and anxiety are common for individuals going through a divorce. However, when left unchecked, these emotions can escalate into significant, long-term mental health conditions, as well as addiction to alcohol and/or drugs, which can compound the emotional struggles during divorce.
When mental health issues and substance abuse are present, these cases can be particularly difficult to mediate, as they require a delicate balance of compassion, understanding and a focus on resolution, while addressing the deeper emotional and psychological challenges at play.
Mediation in Divorce
A closer look at individuals’ personal divorce experiences often reveals a sense of having little to no control over the outcome, especially when they leave the final decision to a judge. Their challenges can be further compounded if they are dealing with any of the difficulties mentioned above, which can easily turn any party into a difficult client.
Mediation, as an alternative to litigation, offers the ideal environment for clients struggling to represent themselves. By giving them the opportunity to voice their desires and actively shape the outcome, parties often feel more empowered and satisfied with the results. Additionally, mediation – typically concluding in a timely and amicable manner – allows the parties to begin the healing process sooner rather than later.
With over eleven years of exclusive experience in family mediation, following 18 years in litigation, I help attorneys and their clients resolve family law disputes and divorce cases. I ensure both parties are presented with creative solutions that lead to mutually beneficial outcomes. Your clients can count on my expertise to manage the mediation process efficiently and effectively.