UNRAVELING DIGITAL ENTANGLEMENT

Upon marrying, couples’ lives typically become intertwined. Beyond sharing children, friends and pets, they may work out at the same gym, listen to the same music, binge the same shows and more.

Another shared facet of couple-hood that is commonplace across every demographic is sharing deeply intertwined digital lives. Today, couples readily exchange and use the same passcodes, login information, location data, account credentials, etc., weaving a complex web of digital connections. This scenario may prove to be worry-free and convenient for most couples when the relationship is going well.

However, when a couple decides to divorce, unraveling this entanglement may turn into anything from a time-consuming inconvenience to an all-out nightmare. This topic is top-of-mind for me because I recently mediated a case where the husband was holding hostage the soon-to-be ex-wife’s business accounts login credentials which he managed for her – purely out of spite. Her business was being dramatically affected by his actions, as was, understandably, her emotional wellbeing.

 The Mindset of Digital Sharing

An extensive study of 500 participants released by Malwarebytes Labs¹ this month revealed how committed couples who share some or most of their digital lives felt about their choice to do so. Key findings, which are full of contradictions, included:

Sixty-six percent agreed that sharing digital access was key to building trust in a relationship. However, over 40% said they felt pressured by their partner to share logins, passcodes and/or locations and 33% said they regretted some aspect of their sharing. The concerns that lead to these regrets in part can be attributed to the 27% who worried about their partner tracking them through location-based apps and services and 23% who worried that their current partner had accessed their accounts without their permission.

Further, more than 50% agreed that sharing account access may “lead to harmful situations.” Counterintuitively, 75% of this last group acknowledged the potential for harm but assumed it would happen to others and not to themselves. This is also counterintuitive as nearly 30% reported their ex had caused them harm through digital access, including being stalked through accounts, having their location tracked, being impersonated, being spied upon through smart devices, email, texts and DMs on various platforms and/or having had financial and communication breaches.

Steps to Establishing Digital Autonomy

If a couple is contemplating divorce or in the early stages it is imperative that they immediately take steps to untangle the digital life they share.

Couples often don’t realize how extensive their intertwined digital footprints are. Therefore, the first recommendation is to make a comprehensive list of joint access points. Include on the list the names of shared apps, websites, accounts, PINS, passwords, password hints, whether or not Face ID and/or Touch ID (Apple) or Fingerprint (Android) are activated and any other shared information which may have been set up at one time or another. Checking a browser or operating system’s saved passwords is a good place to start building that list. It can be surprising to see logins and passwords for long-forgotten apps and accounts.

Following is a categorized list that may be useful for individuals in the early stages of the process:

  • Logins to phones, computers and tablets
  • Social media platforms and DM apps
  • Smart-home devices such as Ring, Amazon Echo, Alexa, connected speakers, thermostats and indoor security cameras
  • Cloud storage
  • Email accounts
  • Home utility accounts such as WiFi/cable, electric and water
  • Streaming services such as Amazon Prime, Hulu, Netflix and Sirius
  • Bank, credit card and other financial-related accounts
  • Work-related accounts
  • Leisure logins, such as to airline and hotel booking apps
  • Retail shopping sites
  • Video conferencing platforms such as Zoom and Google Meet
  • Ride sharing apps such as Uber and Lyft
  • Miscellaneous accounts such as to HOA/Condo portals, the library and fitness apps

Once there is a work-in-progress list, the following steps are recommended for different mediums:

SMART PHONES, DEVICES & APPS

  • On phones, turn off Family and Location Sharing and remove the other party (“collaborator”) from shared Cloud storage, Notes, Folders, Reminders, Albums, etc.
  • Eliminate access to smart and wireless devices in the home, such as cameras, thermostats, light switches, doorbells, smart locks, garage doors and printers. The most effective way to do this is to replace the home router and reset each device to connect to the new WiFi network.
  • Disable apps that allow the other party to remotely control wireless access to a car, such as being able to lock and unlock the doors, start and stop the engine and use GPS tracking to locate the vehicle. A visit to the dealership may be necessary to accomplish this.

ONLINE ACCOUNTS

Step 1: Both parties should separately and privately create new email accounts and passwords, neither of which should contain the user’s name or anything else that could easily be identifiable.

Step 2: The parties should decide who “owns” which accounts.

Step 3: One by one each party should open the accounts they are taking ownership of and do the following:

  • Change the login to their new private email address and set a new password.
  • Remove a debit/credit card if saved in the account and replace it with a new one under their name only.
  • Change hints, PINS, etc.
  • Disable Touch ID/Fingerprint access used to login.
  • Add two-factor authentication wherever possible.

Step 4: For previously shared accounts, the party who is not taking ownership should create their own account.

Eliminate Opportunities for Being Spied Upon

If one or both parties harbor a concern that the other party is going to or is currently spying on them – or even worse, stalking them – recommendations to try to avoid or end the situation include:

  • Block the other party from social media accounts.
  • Don’t post on community apps such as Nextdoor and Ring’s Neighbors.
  • Check smart phones and computers for stalkerware. One way to remove stalkerware from smart phones is to do a full factory reset. For additional recommendations on how to check for and eliminate stalkerware, consult Wired.com’s article on how to check for stalkerware, Cornell University’s Mobile Spyware Concern Tips Guide and the National Domestic Violence website’s internet safety resource page.
  • If a party has true concern for their online safety, they should not hesitate to reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which offers expert support 24/7 at 800-799-7233 and by texting “START” to 88788 to initiate a live chat.

Mediation in Divorce

While couples are married it can be a huge convenience to share and intertwine their digital lives. However, as you’ve just read, the process of untangling when the couple is divorcing can be extremely intense and likely overwhelming. And the longer the couple has been married, the more complicated the situation likely will be.

Sitting down to mediation provides a format to work through the challenges these couples face in a safe and calm environment. For the past ten years I have exclusively practiced family mediations, following my 18-year career in litigation. Attorneys and clients can count on my expertise to bring creative solutions to the table that lead to an expeditious and amicable outcome for both parties.

Source:

¹Malwarebytes Report

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